Thursday, March 30, 2006

A Filmgoer's Manifesto

When we last saw the Monkey with the Kung Fu grip, he was smacking down some faux-pundit or other. Now, via Otto Man, the Monkey returns, with a plan to save the movie theatre industry:
Because I will tell you right now, right here, how to get people to go back to seeing movies in theaters. Without disruptive technology. Without theater upgrades. All for, oh, $4.65 an hour per screen.

I will now save your industry:

Hire. Fucking. USHERS.

The number one reason that every single person I know gives for not going to the movies anymore is the annoyance of dealing with people who just don't behave in the theater. Yes, yes, theater owners, your cell phone adds are cute. But how many of us have dealt with the idiots around us who dutifully turn off their cellphones, and then turn and chat -- not whisper, fucking coffee-klatch -- with the person beside them?

Indeed. Let me submit a list of removable offenses.

  1. Cell phones - covered above. Though, maybe there needs to be a baliff. One of the common, amusing sights around the court house is walking by a jury room, and seeing 12 cellies (plus assorted 2-ways, PDA's and the occassional PSP) stacked in a neat row, guarded by a hawkeyed septugenarian.
  2. Talking. There are certain movies when talking, within limits, is acceptable. Horror movies, for example. There is never a bad time for "don't open the door!" Horrible movies as well. If you find yourself in a screening of a George Lucas film post Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, heckling the screen is not only your right, it is your patriotic duty.
  3. Snoring - (Sorry, Rob, if you're reading this) If you cannot stay awake through a movie, don't go see it in the theatre. And for god's sake, stop drooling on my shoulder.
  4. Get A Room - you know who you are. I think Mr. Loaf had a better idea than the theatre. Relatedly:
  5. Kiddies - don't bring your kids to movies they can't handle. And if they can't handle the film, you must leave, and never ever come back.

Additions? Suggestions? Volunteers? Viva la revolution!

Update: Honestly I had no idea that today was the 25th Anniversary of President Reagan being shot until I saw a story on it at the gym. I might have chosen a different picture from the google search for "viva la revolution" had I known.


Icepick said...

Okay, I don't get the Reagan pic at all.

Regarding your suggestions, I particularly liked your comments about heckling post-"Indaina Jones & the Last Crusade" George Lucas movies. And then I remembered that we shouldn't even be going to those #$@%#(%@)$*#& pieces of #)@($%&()#&*% anyway. I feel like such a tool for having given Lucas any money after SWI.

Icepick said...

Note: As you know, I am not at all shy about using foul language. So the reason for all the symbols in my previous comment is because I really can't think of anything vile enough to describe the last two SW movies.

Pooh said...

Re: Reagan,

I googled "viva la revolution" and that picture was funny to me for some reason. No larger point than that.

DJ Ninja said...

Actually, I liked Episode I. Take that, Pooh! (I'd say "take that, Icepick!" but scary name + copious psuedo-swearing = intimidation.)

bill said...

I don't know how I'm supposed to numerically refer to those stupid Star Wars movies, but if you gave Lucas ANY money after those goddamn teddy bears, you sir are a Tool.

Speaking of icepicks, I will not be seeing "Basic Instinct 2."

Icepick said...

For the record, I named after a different icepick than the one in "Basic Instinct", although there is a Sharon Stone connection if you're willing to stretch the point a little.

And DJ Ninja, would it make you feel any better if you knew the full name was Stab Master Icepick? It should, it should....

Icepick said...

Re: Your Update

Sheesh! I saw something on the news somewhere that it was the 25 anniversary, but it didn't connect to your post. I'm certain everyone who reads your blog regularly knows you well enough to not doubt your motives in this regard.

And just to be clear, my first comment yesterday was just because I didn't get the use of the pic, not out of any sense that I thought you were being insensitive. Wow, that's two bits of weird Presidentail synchronicity yesterday....

reader_iam said...

dj ninja: Fear not! No matter what 'Pick says, he's a pussy cat at heart. I can't say what's true IRL, but out here he's more bark than bit, IMHO.

reader_iam said...


reader_iam said...

Re the manifesto:

If you're tall, pick a position (more or less) and stick with it. We shorties would appreciate it--otherwise, WE get labeled as fidgety, when in fact we're just trying to see the damn screen.

reader_iam said...

And even if it's dark, you don't get to slurp your drink or chew with your mouth open such that you bring new meaning to the "pop" part of "popcorn."

What, were you raised in a barn? Sheesh.

Icepick said...

RIA, stadium seating has largely mooted the problem of sitting behind tall people, or short people with ridiculous hair/hats.

I do like the usher idea, but only if they're given weapons. Use the taser, the taser!

As for my being more bark than bite, that's true online. That's because even with a cable modem I can't bite people online. But I have been kicked off a couple of sites in the past, so I'm not as innocent as you think.

And finally, a smilodon is just a pussy cat too. A really big pussy cat with sabre-tetth and a taste for mastodons.

Pooh said...

No, no

The choke hold, the choke hold. (The taser, taser made me spit coffee, the procurement department of the state of alaska will be sending you a bill for a keyboard shortly)

Stab Master? (Where you a pop-and-lock artist pre accident?)

Icepick said...

The whole name is an homage of sorts to a couple of small time pop-culture characters: Stab Master Arson from CB4 and the semi-retired gangster named Icepick from Magnum PI. Hey, if you think this particular avatar has a stupid name, you should hear some of the previous ones.

Oh, and sorry about the keyboard, but I'm glad (and not at all surprised) that you got the reference.

Icepick said...

If I had been thinking about it I could have really tested your pop-culture referential fu. I should have started my last comment with "It's an homage, you jerk!" But that's probably too easy.