Because I will tell you right now, right here, how to get people to go back to seeing movies in theaters. Without disruptive technology. Without theater upgrades. All for, oh, $4.65 an hour per screen.
I will now save your industry:
Hire. Fucking. USHERS.
The number one reason that every single person I know gives for not going to the movies anymore is the annoyance of dealing with people who just don't behave in the theater. Yes, yes, theater owners, your cell phone adds are cute. But how many of us have dealt with the idiots around us who dutifully turn off their cellphones, and then turn and chat -- not whisper, fucking coffee-klatch -- with the person beside them?
Indeed. Let me submit a list of removable offenses.
- Cell phones - covered above. Though, maybe there needs to be a baliff. One of the common, amusing sights around the court house is walking by a jury room, and seeing 12 cellies (plus assorted 2-ways, PDA's and the occassional PSP) stacked in a neat row, guarded by a hawkeyed septugenarian.
- Talking. There are certain movies when talking, within limits, is acceptable. Horror movies, for example. There is never a bad time for "don't open the door!" Horrible movies as well. If you find yourself in a screening of a George Lucas film post Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, heckling the screen is not only your right, it is your patriotic duty.
- Snoring - (Sorry, Rob, if you're reading this) If you cannot stay awake through a movie, don't go see it in the theatre. And for god's sake, stop drooling on my shoulder.
- Get A Room - you know who you are. I think Mr. Loaf had a better idea than the theatre. Relatedly:
- Kiddies - don't bring your kids to movies they can't handle. And if they can't handle the film, you must leave, and never ever come back.
Additions? Suggestions? Volunteers? Viva la revolution!
Update: Honestly I had no idea that today was the 25th Anniversary of President Reagan being shot until I saw a story on it at the gym. I might have chosen a different picture from the google search for "viva la revolution" had I known.